Punjabi Chutkule ( Funny Punjabi Jokes )

EXAM Ch fail hon Di wajah ki ah ??
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1 saal ch 365 din Hunde aa..
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Roz 8 ghante sonh De Yani pure saal De 122 din
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365-122=243
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Diwali:” holi etc… Te summer
vacation gino 61 din
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243-61=182 din
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Us Vich 52 sundays..
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182-52=130 din..
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Festival De 40..
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Collage festival 15 din
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130-55=75 din..
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Khaanh peenh Nahoon De 3 ghante De hisab naal 46 din..
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75-46=29 din..
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Roj da 1 ghante dosto Naal..
Oh Hogyee 15 din..
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29-15=14 din..
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Hun 10 din tan bimar v rahneh aa..
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14-10=4 din bache..
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T.V dekhan de 3 din..
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4-3=1 din bachiya Yaar
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1 sal ch 1 din hi tan birthday aunda aa
Hun birth day de din kon padhe yaar.. :((
dil karda ke duniya hi chad deva …
par fir main dil nu samjayea….
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yaar facebook te chad nahi hundi duniya kitho chad hoju….

3 Idiots Facebook Version
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Aamir Khan *Smiling*

Teacher:” Aap Muskura kyu rhe hai ??
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Aamir Khan:” Bahot Dino se FB Page ka Admin banne ki iccha thi,, aaj Ban gya hu,, bahot maza aa rha hai..
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Teacher:” jyada Maze Lene Ki Zarurat nahi hai…. ok Tell me What is a Post ??
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Aamir Khan- Anything that is posted on Facebook is Post Sir..

Teacher:” Can you Please
elaborate ??

Aamir Khan:” Sir, jo bhi
Facebook pe log daalte hai wo post hai sir..

Ghumne gye toh photo daal diya!! Post hai Sir..

Match dekha-Score daal diya!!! Post hai Sir..
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Sir actually hum post se ghire huye hai sir.. Katrina ki Pic se lekar Ronaldo ki Kick tak!! Sab post hai sir

Ek second me Comment,
ek second me like!

Comment-like comment-
like.. ;-))

Teacher:” Shut up! ADMIN banke ye karoge ?? Comment-like
comment-like..

Hey chatur tum batao ??
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Chatur:” Pictures, texts or
Videos posted through Mobile or Tablet or laptop or desktop via Different
Operating system using Internet on Facebook is called a Post..

Teacher:” excellent..

Aamir Khan:” par sir maine bhi toh wo hai bola seedhe shabdo mein..

Teacher:” Seedhe shabdo me karna hai toh kisi aur page ke admin bano..:-@

Aamir Khan:” Par sir dusre
admin bhi toh..

Teacher:” Get out!

Aamir Khan:” why sir ??

Teacher:” Seedhe Shabdo me bahar jaiye..
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*Aamir Khan goes out and Comes Back* .

Teacher:” kya hua ??

Aamir Khan:” kuch Bhul gya tha sir..

Teacher:” Kya ??

Aamir Khan:” An Utility button given us to protect our Private data.. i.e pictures, messages or
personal Information for being stolen or Used for bad purpose by hackers or anyone else..

Teacher:” kehna kya chahte ho ??

Aamir Khan:” logout sir.. Logout karna bhul gya tha..

Teacher:” seedha seedha nai bol sakte the.. ??

Aamir Khan:” thodi der pehle try kiya tha sir, aapko pasand nahi aaya..
Do munde raat nu study kar rahe si….

ikk munda dooje nu puchda yaar kinna time ho gya…..

dooja munda sahmne kudia de hostel wall pathar maarda….

ikk kudi bahar nikal ke..”kamineo hun tn so jao..raat de 2:30 vajje paye a

Teacher: cow sadi mata hai…..

*Class ch Pappu khidki vicho bahar dekh reha c*

Teacher : Tu ki bahar dekhi jana bandara jeha??

Pappu: Sir thodi maa piche kutte pai gaye.. Usnu Bachaooo!!

1 var Obama, Manmohan, Sonia te Aishwarya Train vich Ja Rahe c.

Raste ch 1 Gufa aayi
gufa vich gujarde waqt Kiss and jordaar thappad di awaj Ayi.
Jdo train bahar Ayi ta Obama di Gall Laal c, te saare chup c.

Sonia ne socha Ki Americans Pagal hote h, Obama Ne Aish ko Kiss Kiya Hoga,
Or thapad khaya Hoga..

Aish ne socha Ki Obama ne Muje Kiss Krne k Liye glti se Sonia Ko Kiss Kiya hoga aur jhapad Khaya..

Obama ne socha Ki Manmohan ne Aish ko kiss kiya Lekin Aish ne Muje Smja aur muje Jhapad Mara..

Manmohan soch reha c k
1 var fir gufa Aave te Mai kiss di awaj kadd k fir Obama de thappad Mara..
Aje ehne indian politics dekhi hi kithe aa sale ne
Ik Ashiq Aapne Dil Da Haal Apni Mashook De Viyah Wich Kiwe Dasda Hai…

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Oh Jado Turi Si Teri Doli Ni,
Main Daaru Di Bottel Kholi Ni,
Ik Motta Jiha Peg Paya SI,
Main Tere Viyah Wich Haan Diye,
Waiter Ban Ke Aayaa Si…

If BILL GATES stops his Business & starts spending his Money by 1 Crore/day,
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He will need 735 Years to spend it..

But He is still working..

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..

MORAL:”Pagal aaaa saala”
Mainu Kehndi… Paani vargi Seerat Meri, Dudh varga Sohna Rang Mera, Mishri to mithe Mere Bol…

Main keha : Bas ik Patti di kammi rehgi Nhi ta Teri Chah ban jani c..Wife called hubby in office ..
Wife – window is not opening .. What shall I do ?
Hubby – Put some hot water n wait for while. It will open …

Wife (lil unconvinced)- r u sure ?
Hubby – ya trust me it will do the magic.. Try it ..

(After a while hubby calls back to check) … Did u do as I told u ! Did it do the needful trick ?

Wife – I don’t know about the trick or magic but NOW entire laptop is not starting =))
Interviewer:
1 Vaar Amli Apne Sahure Ghar Milan Janda
Te Jandeyaa Saar Zameen Te Baith Janda…
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… Ohdi SAS Boldi Aa : Ve Putt, Zameen Te
Kyun Baitha…?? Sofa Te Baith…
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Amli: Maata…! Sofe Te Taan Gareeb Lok
Baith De Hunde Aa
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Saade Warge Takde Lok Taan Zameen Te
Baith De Hunde Aa..
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SASS: Ve Ohh Kive….
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Amli – Dekh Maata Sofa Haiga 25,000 Da…,
Te Zameen 2 Lakh Nu Marla haigi..
Interviewer:
Dad:”Beta Mere Liye 1 Glass
Pani Lana.
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Son:”Nahi launga.
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2nd Son:”Rehne do Dad Ye To
Hai Hi batmeez,Aap Khud lelo,
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aur Mere Liye bhi 1 Glass Leke
aana…
Interviewer:
Pappu :”fruitwalay baba, give me some potatoes fever . . .
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Fruitwala :”Ahh ‘potatoes fever’ ki hunda hai ??
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Pappu :”Oo my God, you illetracy people,potatoes fever means “Aaloo Bukhara”……
Interviewer:Daku Mangal Singh pappu Ke
Ghar Mein Ghoos Ayaa..
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Daku : Sona kahan hai, Jaldi
Bataao..!
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Pappu : Pura Ghar Khali Hai
Malko, Jithe Marzi So Jao!
Interviewer:
pappu doctor saab muhh di”palastic sarjari de kine”paise lagan ge

“”doctor – 50000 lagange””

pappu”j palastic aasi apne kolo tahanu lai k de daye ta fir kine lagange

“”doctor gusse vich kehnda na”saleyo mainu den di ki lod aa aape he garam krke muhh te laa liyo”
hahahahahahaha :-D:-D:-D:-D:-) :-P:-P:-
Interviewer:
Let me check ur english,
mitran di akh aj laal aa,
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machhar pai gya c tan laal aa,

asi ta kde kutte de danda ni mareya,
bnda kidhron marna. LOL

@Sunny Akalgarhia
Interviewer: Let me check ur english,
Husband To Wife: Je Meri Lottery Nikal Jave Tan Tu Ki Karengi?
Badi Soch Vichar Ton Baad – Wife: Main Adhe Paise Laike Tenu Chhadd Devnagi…
Husband: Meri 100 Rupye Di Lottery Nikali Hai, Aa Fad 50 Rupye Te Dafa Hoja…
Interviewer: Let me check ur english,
tell me d opposite of good.?
Ranga: Bad.
Interviewer: Come
Ranga : Go.
Interviewer: Ugly?
Ranga : Pichhlli.
Interviewer: PICHLLI
Ranga: UGLY.
Interviewer: Shut Up.
Ranga : Keep talking.
Interviewer: Ok, now stop all dis
Ranga: Ok, now carry on all dis.
Interviewer: Abey, chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaa.
Ranga: Abey bolta ja..bolta ja..bolta ja.
Interviewer: Arey, yaar.
Ranga: Arey dushman.
Interviewer: Get Out
Ranga: Come In.
Interviewer: Oh my God.
Ranga: Oh, my devil.
Interviewer: shhhhhhh
Ranga: Hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Interviewer: mere bap chup hoja
Ranga: mere bete bolta reh
Interviewer: U are rejected
Ranga: I m selected. Oye Bolo ta ra ra ra ra
hayo rabba!!


Ik Jameendar:
Ik Jameendar Apne Ristedar Te Fukri Marda Hoya Kehenda Hai:

Jad Main Savere Savere Car Ch Apni Jameena Dekhan Layi Janda Han Tan Sanjh Tak Vi Poori Jameen Nhi Dekh Paunda.
Rishtedar: Tusi Theek Kehende Ho 3 Saal Pehlan Saade Kol Vi Eho Jehi Ik Khatara Car Hundi Si, Assi Kabadi Nu Bech Ditti Si.


Pappu’s Friend : Yaar! Main Apna Purse Ghar Bhool Aaya, Mainu 1000 Rs Chahide Si.
Pappu : Dost Hi Dost De Kam Aunda Hai, Le 10 Rs, Riksha Kar Te Purse Le Aa.


Old Lady to Doctor: Mujhe Gaski problem hai
par achhi baat ye hai ki meri gas me na
BadBu aati hai na Awaaz
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Aap k clinic me bhi 20 baar gas chhod chuki
hu par kisi ko pata nahi chala.
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Doctor: “Ye Dawa lijiye aur 1 weekbaad
aayiye”.
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(1 week baad)
Old Lady:”Aap ne mujhe kya dawa de di….??
Meri gas me ab bhi aawaz nahi aa
rahi par bahut Zehrili Badbu aa rahi hai”
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Doctor:”Good..! Aapki Naak theek ho gayi hai
Ab hum aap k KAAN ka ilaaj
karenge…… :P :D :D


Kudi kendi : tuj mein rab dikhta hai yaara main kya kro.,
Main v kehta fer beeba matha tek tey turdi ban :P


WAKEEL: Me lord, Qanoon di kitaab de safa numbr 15 de mutabiq mere mowakkil nu ba-izzat bari kita jaye.
JUDGE: “Kitaab Pesh Kiti Jaye” (Kitaab pesh kiti gayi) Judge ne safa numbr 15 kholiya taan us vich ‘1000’ de ’10’ note si.
JUDGE: “is tarha de 2 saboot hor pesh kite jaan” __ :P :D


A & B girls are traveling in a train:

A: Tujhe kaisa pati chahiye?
B: Mujhe Crorepati chaiiye.

A: Crorepati na miley to?
B: 50 lakh ke 2 pati chaleñge.

A: 50 lakh ke na miley to?
B: 25 lakh ke 4 pati bhi chaleñge.

UPPER SOYA PASSENGER:
JAB YE 1000 RUPAYE PE AAYE TO MUJHE UTHA DENA..!=D =D


Mashuk: main cheating kiti….
Munda: na tenu ki lgda ki main tena pyar krda?
main vi pishle 2sallaa to cheating hi kar rya c….
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Mashuk roon lag pyi te kendi main papera di gaal krdi c…
Munda: ooo teri…


Indian & American college principals argued dat their stdnts r fearless.

American college principal called the students and asked to jump in sea full of sharks.
They jumped
Principal said: see the guts

Indian Principal called the students & told them to jump
Students: pagal ho gaya hai kya takle??
Principal: see the guts..!! :p =D


Pappu Ko Lottery me PARIS ka Tour Nikla
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Usne BV ko fone Kiya: Jaan mere Sath Paris chalogi
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BV Khushi se: han, han,
Blkul
Par
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Aap bol kon rhe Ho…!!;-) :-D :-)


Sohni g teacher ne 3 jawaka nu thpad mare
Reaxn of stdnts::::
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Bngali: sry mam
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Gujrati:meri kya galti hai mam
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PUNJABI : shukar ae Raba ese Bhane Hath Ta Laya Sohnya NE.


High Insult Must Read :D

Bf To Gf- Jaan Kal Tum Mere Sapne Me Aayi Thi Nd You Were Looking Very Cute..;)
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Gf- Khush hokar,hmm?? Sach Much ??
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Bf- Haa Baba Sach Much
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Gf- Jaan Hum Dono Kya kar Rae The ??
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Bf- Main Cadbury Dairy Milk Kha Raha Tha
Main Akele Hi Kha Raha Tha Aur Tm Bhukhi Bhikhari Ki Tarah
Keh Rahi Thi Ke Plz
Choclate Chahe Mat Dena But Kam Se Kam WraPper Toh De Dena ChaaTne Ke LiYe :P :D


Read Must :D
1 Pari ne dekha k 1 Sher Khargosh ka picha kar
raha hai.
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Pari ne 2no ko rok kar kaha ki agar tum aisa na
kro to main tum 2 noki 3, 3 khuwaishain puri karoongi
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Sher: mere ilawa is jungle k tamam
Sheron ko Sherniya bana do.
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Khargosh: 1 helmet chahiye.
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Sher: baraabar waalay jungle ke tamam Shero ko
Sherniya bana do. .
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Khargosh: 1 bike de do.
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Sher: sari duniya k Shero ko Sherniya bana do.
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Khargosh ne bike start ki helmet pehna aur bola:
“is sher ko Gay bana do” :P =D :D Lolz khargosh RocK. :D


Pappu aur uske dost Ne do Ghode
khareede.
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Baat Ye hui ki kaunsa Ghoda Kis ka
hai ?

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Pappu : Main Apne Ghode ki Dum
kat deta hon! Ye Nishani Hogi.
Subha dekha to Doosre Ghode ki
Dum bhi kisi Ne Kaat Di.
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Pappu : aaj Main apne Ghode Ka
Kaan Kaat deta hun..
Agli subha doosre Ghode ka bhi
Kaan Kata hua tha.
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Dono bade pareshan ki Ab Kya Kiya
Jaaye !
Bahut Soch vichar ke baad Pappu
bola:
Chal chhor yar Safed ghoda tera
Kala ghoda Mera..:D:-P


Amitab: Ab aakhri sawal 1
crore ka what is ur fathers
name?

Pappu: Hasne laga.

Amitabh: Has kyon rhe ho.?

Pappu: Kanjra option ta de..


Arz kiya hai..
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Khushi wo Chiz hai jis se Gum bhulaya jata hai..
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Aur
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Gum wo chiz Hai mere dost .
Jis se
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Lifafa chipkaya jata hai.


Boy :- Mujhe Dog Food lena hai.
SALES GIRL :- Kya apke pas Kutta hai ?

Boy :- Ha ghar pe hai.
SALES GIRL : Sorry ! Store policy hai ke zarort dekh kar item sale karo.

NEXT DAY

Boy :- Mujhe Cat Food lena hai
SALES GIRL :- Sorry Sir pehle Billi la ke dekhao.

3 din bad boy bag le ke store aya aur bola:
Bag me hath dal ke sabot dekh lo.

SALES GIRL hath dal ke boli :- Koi Garm, Geeli aur Mulayum chez hai. Kiya hai ?

Boy :- Ye meri TaTTi hai, 0r mujhe aaj “TOILET PAPER” lena hai…..:P


Girl’s FB Status -
Traveled in a BUS after such a long time.. ?
Comments:
— Awwwww..muah..??
—Maybe next time we both can go together sweetie..;-) —
— went without me ?? :'(

Child :- Papa aunti ka pait kiyon phula hai…
Father :- i know,tu sab janta hai….
Child :- i don’t know,trust me
Father :- In k pait mai pani bhara hai..
Child :- Fir Papa bacha to doob jaiga…


Husband aur Wife ki ladai hui.

Husband ghar se chala gaya.

– (Raat ko phone pe) –

Husband : “khana me kya hai”.

Wife : Zeher.

Husband :Mai der se aaunga tum khakar so jana…


Teeth said to Tongue:
“If i just press u little, u’ll get cut.

“Tongue replied: “if I miss use One word against someone
,den all 32 of u’ll come Out.. ;-):-)


Preeto: kurri jawan ho gayi wey koi changa munda wekho..
26 saal da howay…
Pappu :jey 26 saal da na miley ta 13-13 de 2 le awaan…?